The Continuation

Blueberry.



I'm Starting to wonder if I felt like that, or if I just wanted to. Did you feel like that?

Losing Hope

Every time I'm with you, I miss her more.

Why did she have to have such a big impact on my life?

I'll pretend it didn't hurt

I still read the notes/letter you gave me.

They help, or at least they used to... Why can't I forget?



"I never thought I'd smile so much."

A Tribute

Grapefruit.




"Now I'm left here waiting, for you to tell me how it ends."

Forgotten

Each day that passes I realize that I miss you more and more...

I'm expendable anyhow

I can be easily ignored. It's all about charisma they say, how much character you give off. Appareny I don't give off that much charisma, then again I probably never have. In groups I'm the background, the voice that people hear but don't acknowledge. That means either one of two things: 1) My comments aren't worth a reply, meaning that I shouldn't talk. 2) There isn't any point in me being around people, giving the initiative that I should just die.

To never dream again... Wouldn't that be something?

I just had the worst dream to date in this sequence of nightmares. The dream was so happy and amazing, it was overall...perfect! But one can only be happy for so long before they wake up and realize that everything they just experienced, everything that just happened in that dream, was a lie.


I'd rather have a nightmare then one that gives me false hope.

Another night, another though added to the list

Every night the same emotions run through my head, it drives me insane but makes it feel soooo close to letting go. I shrug off everything I think of and fall asleep, letting my mind wander through whatever social/suicidal nightmares I'll have, only to wake up to having forgotten all about it. The same process repeats of course, but it's become more and more irritating. I think about many things, who I could've been, who I want to be, and how I could possibly change it. I tell myself, "Yeah, I'll give that a shot," only to not have the courage when the time arises. Try as my best I can't just be so outgoing that I become one who I envy, one who has many people to talk to, or is well known throught groups. I suppose popular is the best term, although just having someone to say hi to in the hallways would be gold enough... Anyhow, I wish I recognized this before it got out of hand. I'm sure it's fixable, where I could force myself to talk to someone and make friendship amends, but it's not as easy as I convince myself to be. Besides, who would want to be friends with me? Quite frankly I'm a terrible person for neglecting so many people, but I suppose I'd be even worse for taking that final step.

Erg

Umm I'm not sure what I'm feeelllliiinnngg, basically a multitude of things, none of them
that pleasant. I've come to realize that I'm a terrible person for the next few reasons; 1) I mess with people's emotions, and try to make them feel as bad as I do, as a way to "get back at them" even though I have no reason to be getting back at them at all. 2) I'm a greedy, uncaring person. I mess with friendships so that way I can be happy, make sure people don't talk to each other so that way I don't get jealous because quite frankly, I am a very jealous person. Which leads me to believe that I'm not a good person to date, so that's what I'm
going to tell people, that I'm "unfit" to date. It'll ensure that whoever wants to date me stays happy, and possibly forgets me in the process. I always just drag people down and blame them for my own insequirities. I'm actually kind of done numbering these because it's turned more into a rant. The point is, I shouldn't date people and I'm a terrible person. I also let sooo many friendships die, then again so did the other person? But they probably did try and it was just me that let them go. Trying to gain them back would be...I don't even know. I've become a nobody, let myself be a nobody, so nothing left to do but let this nobody fade away.

Grrrrrness

From what I know there has been some discussion about my relationship with Katie and how it might possibly end. First off, one of the only reasons why I would end it would be because I don't see her at all. She may say that she is grounded which is understandable, because she has been, but I can't be with someone who I never see. The relationship was dying down due to lack of communication and contact, and whether or not she sees it that way it's how I felt. I do love her, and I don't want to bring harm to her in any way, but it's been killing me just waiting for something to happen when nothing will. If anyone thinks I should wait longer, let me remind you that I haven't been with her for a month, and I barely see her in school as it is. It really has been breaking my heart lately...and I just can't stand it. But, this is all just a MAYBE, none of it will be determined until more future events happen.


Now as for the Maya situation. Maya has been there for me day and night for the past couple of weeks, she's been helping me out with anything I need. I am OBVIOUSLY not dating her, so there is no cheating going on (I'm not that type of person, and honestly I hope everyone knows that). I just felt like some people might have heard otherwise because rumors tend to spread, so I'm trying to make everything as clear as possible, thank you.

After all, he was sad

I finally gave into the impulse to cut my hair, the haircut I had was just too symmetrical and "perfect" that I just couldn't STAND it. I didn't really know the outcome I was hoping for, all I know is that I wanted SOMETHING to change about it. I just grabbed some scissors and started cutting away, not bothering to measure or aim but just snipping off random chunks of hair. Overall I like it better but I still don't feel like it's good enough.

"My killer, my lover"

I hate waking up in the middle of the night, it's when my emotions are most active and my mind is running wild...but I've been waking up early for the past week so I'll have to get used to it...

I'd like to get a couple of things off my chest, one of them is my current relationship with Katie, it's dying. With every day that passes I feel more...resentment towards her, not because she's a bad person (she's not), but because she doesn't help in the slightest. If I'm feeling bad there's no kind words that come from her, no intention to help in a way that I would consider good, which she KNOWS how to do it. Instead every time it's the words "I'm sorry" and she gets straight to the point by being blunt. Being blunt is all good but...I need kinder words then that, I need an explanation for WHY I'm not bad looking, for WHY I'm not a horrible person, saying "You aren't, so stop it because you know you aren't" doesn't cut it. Why? Because I can't convince myself of those things, I NEED someone else to help convince me of all the good things I could possibly be. Now I just get angry at times and don't respond as much to her because I feel like she's abandoning me, not making any effort to help when she knows I need it. She doesn't even bother to ask what I did in a day, she just says hi, becomes oblvious to my obvious need of help, then leaves.

On the other hand, someone else is back in the picture...Maya. I hung out with her, and it was the first time in 3 weeks that I felt really happy. She's been helping me out as much as she could, filling in the gaps for what Katie couldn't accomplish. Now whenever I feel bad or if I wake up early my first intention is to go to Maya, and why shouldn't I? She's the only reason I'm surviving right now.

Don't mind me, I'm just learning

Twice tonight I tried to post a blog about what I was thinking, and twice I deleted it because I didn't think I was able to get my thoughts clear enough.

I Had a Dream

Last night I dreamed a rather...peculiar dream. I was just standing in the middle of my livingroom (only except the livingroom was completely empty besides the tv), still, motionless, for what seemed like hours. After sometime of standing around a bottle appeared near my feet, I was a bottle of Ambien (powerful sleep drug my mom needs to use), and I just started...chugging. Pill after pill dropped down my throat, but the difference was that it tasted delicious, like I couldn't get enough of it, and it was during that moment that I realized...



...I am happy.

The hell is going on?

My dreams don't make sence anymore, especially the one I just had which I can barely explain due to it's...umm....well I'll try explaining it anyhow. What I find interesting is that every night I go to bed with music, which apparently causes me to toss and turn in my sleep, sleeptalk, and depending on the music either give me a depressing dream filled with death, or a weird dream that's just....weird. This time however I fell asleep by accident without music, and it was by far one of the....nevermind, I'll just elaborate.

Okay, so what exactly does a dream mean when: 1) The bad guy is the old guy from the first Jurassic Park, and has also had the told of a gay pilot in one of my other dreams. 2) He has an army...of headcrabs from Half-Life. 3) I have a partner, he is the Indian from Dragon Age (Kevin would know who he his), and near the end he makes a sort of hit on me by winking, but not saying anything at all? 4) We're in
the middle of nowhere, sort of like Courage.

Okay so those are pretty much the charachters besides these 4 children in the house. It's night, the children are sleeping, and the old guy is "going" to bed. The Indian and I are watching a movie, Aliens. We just came back from this walk to...well I don't know where (the trash can I think), but we were discussing what to do because we know something is up (although the Indian only nodded his head in agreement). During the time we're watching Aliens, the old guy starts talking to himself about how he's going to kill the everyone else, he then summons the head crabs and this demented child or something. The child then tajes the head crab to each child (this is where it gets weird). Now, imagine one room with two children on it, there is a bunk bed, but the other children are in a different room sleeping. The demented child takes the head crab to one of the kids, puts it on his head, and instantly the head crab rips off the boy's head (with bloddy graphics like from Fallout), but the boy is still alive? The boy grow a new head...but without a neck, and he's awake but doesn't know that he just "died", or is dead....or something, not does he question the strange kid next to him with the head crab. Then the kid takes out a sawed-off shotgun (yes, from Fallout) and kills the other kid....which the kid is permanently dead. So apparently the head crab kills you, yet you're still alive, where as a normal kill would just kill you. So now we have 1 dead child, and another child without a neck. The strange kid heads to the next room (the Indian and I are still watching Aliens, and apparently didn't hear the shotgun from 2 rooms away. There's another bunk bed, and the strange boy repeats the process with the headcrabs on both the kids. The girl's head only grows back eyes and a tongue, but can still speak, and even says during the end "I've never felt more alive". The boy loses a face. Why the strange kid only blew up one's of the childrens' head with a shotgun is beyond me, so either the kid is unlucky for dying or lucky for not having a deformed head. Once again though, the kids don't question the strange boy, and don't even realize that they lack some of their head. I say to the Indian guy that something's up and that we're not going to bed (so that way the strange kid can't get us in our sleep). The Indian nods and then...winks at me, in a way that someone would hit on someone.... After that I decide to go to the bathroom and get locked in by the Old Guy, there's a sort of "vission" about an army of children carrying head crabs, and then I wake up.



So....that's my dream? It was very interesting but I don't understand my imagination anymore.

Little Bit O' Somethin

I have come to decide
that my death shall arise,
sooner than I thought.

Stating the Obv

I did have this really long blog that I was going to post, but when I got towards the end I didn't see much point, so instead I'll keep it short and sweet...



I am unhappy.

My Ashtray Heart

Placebo lyrics, plain and simple, but I'm madly in love with them. I could just enjoy how great the song sounds, but either way there's still a lot of emotion in those 3 words. I've been trying to figure out different meanings for those words, although it's a little bit more difficult for me to understand myself. I've concluded that his heart is filled with soot, and has been used so many times by others that it has become foul and uneeded, but I'm probably wrong.

On another note, I actually somewhat wrote some form of poetry which I haven't done in the LONGEST time. It's still not finished buttttt it probably will mever be anyhow.

Reasonably Unreasonable

Regretful thoughts and a low self-esteem...but I'm not alone.


It feels like it sometimes.

Bland

I have realized something, I don't care what happens, or maybe I do but I just don't realize it yet. My emotions are sort of in the middle, neither exceedingly happy or sad, although a random depressing thoughts comes in more than frequantly. I do have fun with my friends, i.e. Kevin, who's actually making my days more enjoyable, or with Katie. There is however a problem, ever since the second break-up between Emily and I things have seemed more bland. There's not as much excitement, and although I'm currently in a relationship with Katie, there's a part of me that won't fully let the love out. My thoughts right now are based on the conclusion that whatever happens, happens, and I won't be entirely surprised or hurt if things end badly between Katie and I... Then again, I can't tell the future so who knows if any more pain will be brought on. The current problem is that I'm not motivated to try in school, relationships, or friendships. This is a bit of a problem because like I said, I can't fully let out the love. There's this empty feeling in my heart, and I'm content with letting it stay that way for fear of opening up completely and getting hurt all over again. I'm right now stuck in a grey zone, where every day is the same. I go to school, talk to people, go home, and the cycle continues. *sigh* I'm not even sure what I'm typing about, because I repeated things on here like a dozen times with no different explanation.

Recap: 1) I feel empty, 2) I'm content with that emptiness, 3) I'm afraid to open myself up completely again, 4) A couple other things but they're a bit more personal.

P.S. It felt like today in the library mod D that Meredith and Ian were ignoring me, or at least not awknowledging the comments I made. This makes me feel like that I again, shouldn't talk to peopl, and gives me an even stronger feeling that Ian has something against me... Scratch that, I'm CONVINCED that Ian has something against me, although he probably just thinks I'm annoying, which I believe Chris feels the same way too. Oh well, like I said, emotions are bland.

It Will Never End

It's almost 4 am, just another night ruined by the dreams of a destroyed mind. So many things have happened this week, possible good things, but still nothing seems better... I got a friend back, Kevin, although that was somewhat unnavoidable. I was planning on being friends with him but I didn't think it'd be so soon. The only issue is that I don't trust him, I'll be his friend, and let him be mine, but when it comes down to it he'll hurt me just as easily as he's done before. The other issue is the new girlfriend I have, Katie, although I'm EXTREMELY happy about going out with her she doesn't do much to help, or at least she doesn't know how...which will be a problem. It makes me feel like she'll end up just like every other girlfriend in the past, and that things will go badly again. I don't want things to go horribly wrong...I'm on the last lifeline as it is...all I know is that there's this empty hole in my chest which has yet to be filled.

I don't know who to be anymore...

I hate this...I having to please people...to fit in...I have such a strong feeling that everyone hates/is annoyed with me... Who wouldn't hate me? I'm a fucking weird ass freak... Katie enjoys my company, but that's probably the only person. To everyone else I'm invisable, they'd prefer not to be around me, and when they have to be they just want me to shut up. I hate myself because I also try to come up withthese random things so that way there's at least SOME conversation, instead of it get awkward. I don't deserve to talk/know anyone. Even if I was to ask someone if they enjoy my company they'll just lie, and why wouldn't they? They're trying to keep me happy like "good" friends, either way I suck. I'll always suck. There's no hope for me to get along with anyone at all. Might as well kill me so I don't plague this society. Oh but wait a minute, I can't kill myself can I? One: my family and two: Katie. Katie's always a good reason, but I'll just wind up torturing myself every day when she's not around. I don't know what my problem is...I try and I try to be social or meet new people, but I always say one bad thing and then voilà, I'm a freak. I'm torn between giving up everything I have and continuing down the same path. In the end I'll just die, so it's all pointless.

Not Enough Hate To Describe You

I absolutely despise you now, your very existence does not matter to me anymore. The fact that your cynical in your very own way makes you a horrible person. You were acting as if it was a joke, not caring at all...now I'm returning the favor.

You can go die, see if I care.

Well That's Dandy

Every night is just one more step closer to death. Crying and suffering have now become the new routine to my daily agenda. Will it change?Probably not. Will people help to cover the torture with a blanket of false security? Possibly, but it doesn't seem likely. I've counted only 3 friends who actually seem like they care, buy we're not going into detail of them for now. Everyone else says the words, "I'm here for you if you need me." Well what good is that going to do? I tell you about my problems, you help for a brief minute...and then what? You leave thinking that the one moment you gave will all of a sudden cure me of all this depression? Well apparently it's pretty much up to me to find optimism, unfortunetly I already gave up on myself sooo I guess I'm screwed.

Ta-ta for now.

Endless

Every night is a filled with unhappy feelings and grief. Countless thoughts and memories make everything unbearable. In school I hide behind the smiles of others, masking the pain and sorrow I'm feeling with pretend laughter and fools comments. I want the pain to stop, but as a new day starts, more confusion and turmoil are added on. I don't feel much hope anymore. Before the time came to shut my eyes, I used to have positive thoughts and think about the good times I've had, now all that's left in my soul is the heavy feeling of guilt and sadness...



...I wonder what's on the other side...

A Recollection of Thoughts

I figured I'd put one more blog down to get my final thoughts out, although this isn't the happiest of ones.

Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe I'm taking things to far. I do feel betrayed from you, back-stabbed, slapped in the face... Honestly? It's not the first time I've felt like that coming from you. Forgiveness isn't even something on my mind right now, but it could be in a bit. I don't think you deserve me telling you how I felt, and I should've just bottled it up on the inside like all my other thoughts and feelings, but you provoked this one. Now I'm confused about whether or not I should help you and just forget all about it, or if I should stand my ground. I've never really stood my place before because usually I'm wrong, but I don't feel at fault here, and at the same time I don't want to blame you. Hell I might as well just blame it on bad luck again and damn emotions, but we both know that wouldn't be the real reason now would it? To sum it all up, I feel as if you screwed up, I don't want to say that to you directly because I don't take pleasure in making people feel bad. Again, the emotions of being back-stabbed and betrayed are very strong. Stick with your other friends for the time being, you never needed me, or at least I felt like you never did, so there's no reason for you to need me now. If you do want to fix things than you'll have to do it on your own time, but until then all I can say is good luck.

Finally, our friendship isn't over, but my resentment towards you is larger.

Zipper Fascination

In a world so confusing, the simplest of things can calm your nerves. They become more noticeable and in a strange way, seem fascinating. The zipper for example. How can something so small be so complex and simple at the same time? The two zipper strands aren't unified, separate, until a single "being" or "event" bring them together. You can't see how it works, which in a sense makes it a mystery and grabs my attention, however strange that may be. In a way I believe it relates to life. Two people could be completely oblivious to each other, only to be drawn together by an event or action. Problem is, they can also be torn apart by the same event, or a different one, whichever way you look at it.

In other more important news, I'm somewhat angry but I don't want to start anything so forget I said that. Also each day has depression meshed into it for various reasons, I can handle it for now but who knows for how long. Live and forget I suppose.