I have realized something, I don't care what happens, or maybe I do but I just don't realize it yet. My emotions are sort of in the middle, neither exceedingly happy or sad, although a random depressing thoughts comes in more than frequantly. I do have fun with my friends, i.e. Kevin, who's actually making my days more enjoyable, or with Katie. There is however a problem, ever since the second break-up between Emily and I things have seemed more bland. There's not as much excitement, and although I'm currently in a relationship with Katie, there's a part of me that won't fully let the love out. My thoughts right now are based on the conclusion that whatever happens, happens, and I won't be entirely surprised or hurt if things end badly between Katie and I... Then again, I can't tell the future so who knows if any more pain will be brought on. The current problem is that I'm not motivated to try in school, relationships, or friendships. This is a bit of a problem because like I said, I can't fully let out the love. There's this empty feeling in my heart, and I'm content with letting it stay that way for fear of opening up completely and getting hurt all over again. I'm right now stuck in a grey zone, where every day is the same. I go to school, talk to people, go home, and the cycle continues. *sigh* I'm not even sure what I'm typing about, because I repeated things on here like a dozen times with no different explanation.
Recap: 1) I feel empty, 2) I'm content with that emptiness, 3) I'm afraid to open myself up completely again, 4) A couple other things but they're a bit more personal.
P.S. It felt like today in the library mod D that Meredith and Ian were ignoring me, or at least not awknowledging the comments I made. This makes me feel like that I again, shouldn't talk to peopl, and gives me an even stronger feeling that Ian has something against me... Scratch that, I'm CONVINCED that Ian has something against me, although he probably just thinks I'm annoying, which I believe Chris feels the same way too. Oh well, like I said, emotions are bland.
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Alrighty, I'm done just reading these and being a sucky friend and not doing a single thing about it
ReplyDeleteI'm inputting my 2 cents here, so if you don't want it, stop reading. I'm not telling you what to do, even if I sounds like it, I am only giving my opinion.
Ready?
You've been jumping from relationship to relationship for as long as I've known you. Whats the longest time you've had in between girls? As happy as I am to see you finally dating someone your age for once (it seems that, besides me, they were ALL younger, yes?) I think you need to slow down.
Brandon needs to slow down and take it easy. You just got out of a relationship within a month (about a month, right? I'm not sure) an now you're in one again. You should take some time and stabilize before you start another one. You should figure out your own life and get a handle on things a bit before you both introduce all of it to someone you care for very much, and before you add their life to yours. Relationships are work, no matter what anyone says, and if you're already off balance, adding more shit/stress/stuff wont help.
Take some time, maybe month or two, and wait. Figure out who you are a little, what you want, whats important. Take care of YOU. You need it. It will probably help you and Katie out in the long run. And you will see, tangibly and in front of your eyes, how much she really cares if she's supportive and waits for you.
"It's impossible to love another if you cannot love yourself first."
"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
Take care of You, because you're what should be most important in your world.
Take care, Brandon. Talk to me whenever.
-Katie