Another night, another though added to the list

Every night the same emotions run through my head, it drives me insane but makes it feel soooo close to letting go. I shrug off everything I think of and fall asleep, letting my mind wander through whatever social/suicidal nightmares I'll have, only to wake up to having forgotten all about it. The same process repeats of course, but it's become more and more irritating. I think about many things, who I could've been, who I want to be, and how I could possibly change it. I tell myself, "Yeah, I'll give that a shot," only to not have the courage when the time arises. Try as my best I can't just be so outgoing that I become one who I envy, one who has many people to talk to, or is well known throught groups. I suppose popular is the best term, although just having someone to say hi to in the hallways would be gold enough... Anyhow, I wish I recognized this before it got out of hand. I'm sure it's fixable, where I could force myself to talk to someone and make friendship amends, but it's not as easy as I convince myself to be. Besides, who would want to be friends with me? Quite frankly I'm a terrible person for neglecting so many people, but I suppose I'd be even worse for taking that final step.