My Ashtray Heart

Placebo lyrics, plain and simple, but I'm madly in love with them. I could just enjoy how great the song sounds, but either way there's still a lot of emotion in those 3 words. I've been trying to figure out different meanings for those words, although it's a little bit more difficult for me to understand myself. I've concluded that his heart is filled with soot, and has been used so many times by others that it has become foul and uneeded, but I'm probably wrong.

On another note, I actually somewhat wrote some form of poetry which I haven't done in the LONGEST time. It's still not finished buttttt it probably will mever be anyhow.

Reasonably Unreasonable

Regretful thoughts and a low self-esteem...but I'm not alone.


It feels like it sometimes.

Bland

I have realized something, I don't care what happens, or maybe I do but I just don't realize it yet. My emotions are sort of in the middle, neither exceedingly happy or sad, although a random depressing thoughts comes in more than frequantly. I do have fun with my friends, i.e. Kevin, who's actually making my days more enjoyable, or with Katie. There is however a problem, ever since the second break-up between Emily and I things have seemed more bland. There's not as much excitement, and although I'm currently in a relationship with Katie, there's a part of me that won't fully let the love out. My thoughts right now are based on the conclusion that whatever happens, happens, and I won't be entirely surprised or hurt if things end badly between Katie and I... Then again, I can't tell the future so who knows if any more pain will be brought on. The current problem is that I'm not motivated to try in school, relationships, or friendships. This is a bit of a problem because like I said, I can't fully let out the love. There's this empty feeling in my heart, and I'm content with letting it stay that way for fear of opening up completely and getting hurt all over again. I'm right now stuck in a grey zone, where every day is the same. I go to school, talk to people, go home, and the cycle continues. *sigh* I'm not even sure what I'm typing about, because I repeated things on here like a dozen times with no different explanation.

Recap: 1) I feel empty, 2) I'm content with that emptiness, 3) I'm afraid to open myself up completely again, 4) A couple other things but they're a bit more personal.

P.S. It felt like today in the library mod D that Meredith and Ian were ignoring me, or at least not awknowledging the comments I made. This makes me feel like that I again, shouldn't talk to peopl, and gives me an even stronger feeling that Ian has something against me... Scratch that, I'm CONVINCED that Ian has something against me, although he probably just thinks I'm annoying, which I believe Chris feels the same way too. Oh well, like I said, emotions are bland.

It Will Never End

It's almost 4 am, just another night ruined by the dreams of a destroyed mind. So many things have happened this week, possible good things, but still nothing seems better... I got a friend back, Kevin, although that was somewhat unnavoidable. I was planning on being friends with him but I didn't think it'd be so soon. The only issue is that I don't trust him, I'll be his friend, and let him be mine, but when it comes down to it he'll hurt me just as easily as he's done before. The other issue is the new girlfriend I have, Katie, although I'm EXTREMELY happy about going out with her she doesn't do much to help, or at least she doesn't know how...which will be a problem. It makes me feel like she'll end up just like every other girlfriend in the past, and that things will go badly again. I don't want things to go horribly wrong...I'm on the last lifeline as it is...all I know is that there's this empty hole in my chest which has yet to be filled.

I don't know who to be anymore...

I hate this...I having to please people...to fit in...I have such a strong feeling that everyone hates/is annoyed with me... Who wouldn't hate me? I'm a fucking weird ass freak... Katie enjoys my company, but that's probably the only person. To everyone else I'm invisable, they'd prefer not to be around me, and when they have to be they just want me to shut up. I hate myself because I also try to come up withthese random things so that way there's at least SOME conversation, instead of it get awkward. I don't deserve to talk/know anyone. Even if I was to ask someone if they enjoy my company they'll just lie, and why wouldn't they? They're trying to keep me happy like "good" friends, either way I suck. I'll always suck. There's no hope for me to get along with anyone at all. Might as well kill me so I don't plague this society. Oh but wait a minute, I can't kill myself can I? One: my family and two: Katie. Katie's always a good reason, but I'll just wind up torturing myself every day when she's not around. I don't know what my problem is...I try and I try to be social or meet new people, but I always say one bad thing and then voilà, I'm a freak. I'm torn between giving up everything I have and continuing down the same path. In the end I'll just die, so it's all pointless.