Do-do-do

I feel like rambling on for this blog, nothing specific, just my thoughts as they cone to mr, which will probably turn this into a mess. I don't understand what to do anymore with my life. None of it feels like it matters in the slightest. I remind myself how I used to talk to so many people, now it's only a person from Georgia and my family. Everyone's gone, or is leaving, which I guess adds to the point of growing up. Is it worth it? I want to scream my fucking lungs out how I want to die. I tell myself, "Don't worry Brandon, just be optimistic!" but how can I be? It's so god damn pointless. I'm reminded of how we used to talk, and I wish that I could go back to Freshman year. Back then, the only thoughts in my wad were how boring class was or how everyone else was doing, but I was happy, or at least content. I don't understand how to feel happy anymore, or for at least an entire day. Is it surrounding myself with friends that I don't talk to outside of hanging out? Friends that I'll probably have no meaningful relationship with in the future? I've already lost a ton of people that I used to talk to, and now I can't even remember who most of them were. Is happiness playing a video-game or watching a movie by yourself until your eyes hurt? Or is it destroying your body on top of a towel, because you're still conscious about the mess you make? I don't know to feel good anymore. And most of all I want to tell you how I feel for you, but I can't. It wouldn't make any fucking sense because I've changed, and now I'm a terrible person. I want to honestly tell you how I've been, show you everything I've been doing, but what good will that do? I'm such a fucking loser... Bryan tries to help me out though. He says that I'm invited to Miranda's dorm with him, and is even meeting people so that I can talk to them. But it's so dark right now...and I feel so alone. I want to call you, or at least text you and ask how you are. It'd be the same conversation though, with it just ending the same way. I want to go back to how I used to be, happy and carefree. But how the fuck do you do that? I claw at myself just hoping that something magical will happen and I'll either freakishly die or be saved. But this isn't a fairytail, or a horror movie, it's reality and I don't know how to escape myself. I fucking suck and everyone knows it. My head hurts from thinking, and my eyes hurt from crying. I want to tell you of this, hoping that maybe you'll understand how I feel and we'll actually be able to communicate. BUT NONE OF IT FUCKING MATTERS. I'll say what I really want to say, but only before I can actually end it. Funny thing is that I'm probably just all talk.