The Essence of Us

And I smiled at last as our lips touched outside your door. I can finally forget about you, about all the other's that were forced into the every thought of my mind. Things might be different now, I have another chance...but I shouldn't hope for too much. I am happy for now.

Do-do-do

I feel like rambling on for this blog, nothing specific, just my thoughts as they cone to mr, which will probably turn this into a mess. I don't understand what to do anymore with my life. None of it feels like it matters in the slightest. I remind myself how I used to talk to so many people, now it's only a person from Georgia and my family. Everyone's gone, or is leaving, which I guess adds to the point of growing up. Is it worth it? I want to scream my fucking lungs out how I want to die. I tell myself, "Don't worry Brandon, just be optimistic!" but how can I be? It's so god damn pointless. I'm reminded of how we used to talk, and I wish that I could go back to Freshman year. Back then, the only thoughts in my wad were how boring class was or how everyone else was doing, but I was happy, or at least content. I don't understand how to feel happy anymore, or for at least an entire day. Is it surrounding myself with friends that I don't talk to outside of hanging out? Friends that I'll probably have no meaningful relationship with in the future? I've already lost a ton of people that I used to talk to, and now I can't even remember who most of them were. Is happiness playing a video-game or watching a movie by yourself until your eyes hurt? Or is it destroying your body on top of a towel, because you're still conscious about the mess you make? I don't know to feel good anymore. And most of all I want to tell you how I feel for you, but I can't. It wouldn't make any fucking sense because I've changed, and now I'm a terrible person. I want to honestly tell you how I've been, show you everything I've been doing, but what good will that do? I'm such a fucking loser... Bryan tries to help me out though. He says that I'm invited to Miranda's dorm with him, and is even meeting people so that I can talk to them. But it's so dark right now...and I feel so alone. I want to call you, or at least text you and ask how you are. It'd be the same conversation though, with it just ending the same way. I want to go back to how I used to be, happy and carefree. But how the fuck do you do that? I claw at myself just hoping that something magical will happen and I'll either freakishly die or be saved. But this isn't a fairytail, or a horror movie, it's reality and I don't know how to escape myself. I fucking suck and everyone knows it. My head hurts from thinking, and my eyes hurt from crying. I want to tell you of this, hoping that maybe you'll understand how I feel and we'll actually be able to communicate. BUT NONE OF IT FUCKING MATTERS. I'll say what I really want to say, but only before I can actually end it. Funny thing is that I'm probably just all talk.

Victory Lap

Oh-ho-ho I can't WAIT to flip out on her in person! It's going to he sooooo good to finally have her realize just how much she sucks. Also, I'm a terrible person.

Nothing Is Real

I. Hate. Everyone. Except for Bryan, but besides that I hate ALMOST every person for one reason or another. Friends, family, everyone. There's always one thing I just want to scream my head off at them for. But then again, I'm really just angry at myself for being such a loser, so that's who I'll take it out on. No one else is actually at fault, I just...can't stand people or life.

Please save me from myself

I see his face everywhere. I'm so afraid. Afraid to sleep. Afraid to dream. Afraid of the dark. Afraid to be alone.

Lights Out...better run

There he is, I see him everywhere, watching, grinning the evil grin. He was in a dream, a nightmare, but now his face is stuck in my mind. A lot of nightmares I remember with a fairly detailed description, but this man's face...the dream...it's tattooed into my brain. I can't forget about it. He's wherever it is dark; in my room, in the hallway, OUTSIDE. He just stands there, staring at me, convincing me that up against him I won't survive. No matter what I do, I see his face in the darkness. It makes me want to cry.

After all, it's only our lives anyway

If it wasn't for my family or Bryan, I don't know what I would've done by now. I'm not saying anything major WOULD happen, but it would've definitely been a bigger possibility. My life is just stuck in a loop now. Go to work, go home, continue the same thing the next day. I do hang out with Kevin or Bryan, but how long can I go on like that before feeling completely empty? What's the point if your life ends up on repeat? Not only that, but I still like her....a lot... Or maybe I'm just physically attracted? I'd love to get this out of the way so I don't have to feel so insignificant, which that won't change as long as nothing else does, which it won't. I have trouble remembering how I made friends or girlfriends in school, but I'm even more clueless as to how you do it outside of school. Guess I'll be stuck trying to figure out if I should attempt to date the same people again, or if I should pretend to be comfortable alone. I do know one thing, I'd love to share a bed with you.