Grrrrrness

From what I know there has been some discussion about my relationship with Katie and how it might possibly end. First off, one of the only reasons why I would end it would be because I don't see her at all. She may say that she is grounded which is understandable, because she has been, but I can't be with someone who I never see. The relationship was dying down due to lack of communication and contact, and whether or not she sees it that way it's how I felt. I do love her, and I don't want to bring harm to her in any way, but it's been killing me just waiting for something to happen when nothing will. If anyone thinks I should wait longer, let me remind you that I haven't been with her for a month, and I barely see her in school as it is. It really has been breaking my heart lately...and I just can't stand it. But, this is all just a MAYBE, none of it will be determined until more future events happen.


Now as for the Maya situation. Maya has been there for me day and night for the past couple of weeks, she's been helping me out with anything I need. I am OBVIOUSLY not dating her, so there is no cheating going on (I'm not that type of person, and honestly I hope everyone knows that). I just felt like some people might have heard otherwise because rumors tend to spread, so I'm trying to make everything as clear as possible, thank you.

After all, he was sad

I finally gave into the impulse to cut my hair, the haircut I had was just too symmetrical and "perfect" that I just couldn't STAND it. I didn't really know the outcome I was hoping for, all I know is that I wanted SOMETHING to change about it. I just grabbed some scissors and started cutting away, not bothering to measure or aim but just snipping off random chunks of hair. Overall I like it better but I still don't feel like it's good enough.

"My killer, my lover"

I hate waking up in the middle of the night, it's when my emotions are most active and my mind is running wild...but I've been waking up early for the past week so I'll have to get used to it...

I'd like to get a couple of things off my chest, one of them is my current relationship with Katie, it's dying. With every day that passes I feel more...resentment towards her, not because she's a bad person (she's not), but because she doesn't help in the slightest. If I'm feeling bad there's no kind words that come from her, no intention to help in a way that I would consider good, which she KNOWS how to do it. Instead every time it's the words "I'm sorry" and she gets straight to the point by being blunt. Being blunt is all good but...I need kinder words then that, I need an explanation for WHY I'm not bad looking, for WHY I'm not a horrible person, saying "You aren't, so stop it because you know you aren't" doesn't cut it. Why? Because I can't convince myself of those things, I NEED someone else to help convince me of all the good things I could possibly be. Now I just get angry at times and don't respond as much to her because I feel like she's abandoning me, not making any effort to help when she knows I need it. She doesn't even bother to ask what I did in a day, she just says hi, becomes oblvious to my obvious need of help, then leaves.

On the other hand, someone else is back in the picture...Maya. I hung out with her, and it was the first time in 3 weeks that I felt really happy. She's been helping me out as much as she could, filling in the gaps for what Katie couldn't accomplish. Now whenever I feel bad or if I wake up early my first intention is to go to Maya, and why shouldn't I? She's the only reason I'm surviving right now.

Don't mind me, I'm just learning

Twice tonight I tried to post a blog about what I was thinking, and twice I deleted it because I didn't think I was able to get my thoughts clear enough.

I Had a Dream

Last night I dreamed a rather...peculiar dream. I was just standing in the middle of my livingroom (only except the livingroom was completely empty besides the tv), still, motionless, for what seemed like hours. After sometime of standing around a bottle appeared near my feet, I was a bottle of Ambien (powerful sleep drug my mom needs to use), and I just started...chugging. Pill after pill dropped down my throat, but the difference was that it tasted delicious, like I couldn't get enough of it, and it was during that moment that I realized...



...I am happy.

The hell is going on?

My dreams don't make sence anymore, especially the one I just had which I can barely explain due to it's...umm....well I'll try explaining it anyhow. What I find interesting is that every night I go to bed with music, which apparently causes me to toss and turn in my sleep, sleeptalk, and depending on the music either give me a depressing dream filled with death, or a weird dream that's just....weird. This time however I fell asleep by accident without music, and it was by far one of the....nevermind, I'll just elaborate.

Okay, so what exactly does a dream mean when: 1) The bad guy is the old guy from the first Jurassic Park, and has also had the told of a gay pilot in one of my other dreams. 2) He has an army...of headcrabs from Half-Life. 3) I have a partner, he is the Indian from Dragon Age (Kevin would know who he his), and near the end he makes a sort of hit on me by winking, but not saying anything at all? 4) We're in
the middle of nowhere, sort of like Courage.

Okay so those are pretty much the charachters besides these 4 children in the house. It's night, the children are sleeping, and the old guy is "going" to bed. The Indian and I are watching a movie, Aliens. We just came back from this walk to...well I don't know where (the trash can I think), but we were discussing what to do because we know something is up (although the Indian only nodded his head in agreement). During the time we're watching Aliens, the old guy starts talking to himself about how he's going to kill the everyone else, he then summons the head crabs and this demented child or something. The child then tajes the head crab to each child (this is where it gets weird). Now, imagine one room with two children on it, there is a bunk bed, but the other children are in a different room sleeping. The demented child takes the head crab to one of the kids, puts it on his head, and instantly the head crab rips off the boy's head (with bloddy graphics like from Fallout), but the boy is still alive? The boy grow a new head...but without a neck, and he's awake but doesn't know that he just "died", or is dead....or something, not does he question the strange kid next to him with the head crab. Then the kid takes out a sawed-off shotgun (yes, from Fallout) and kills the other kid....which the kid is permanently dead. So apparently the head crab kills you, yet you're still alive, where as a normal kill would just kill you. So now we have 1 dead child, and another child without a neck. The strange kid heads to the next room (the Indian and I are still watching Aliens, and apparently didn't hear the shotgun from 2 rooms away. There's another bunk bed, and the strange boy repeats the process with the headcrabs on both the kids. The girl's head only grows back eyes and a tongue, but can still speak, and even says during the end "I've never felt more alive". The boy loses a face. Why the strange kid only blew up one's of the childrens' head with a shotgun is beyond me, so either the kid is unlucky for dying or lucky for not having a deformed head. Once again though, the kids don't question the strange boy, and don't even realize that they lack some of their head. I say to the Indian guy that something's up and that we're not going to bed (so that way the strange kid can't get us in our sleep). The Indian nods and then...winks at me, in a way that someone would hit on someone.... After that I decide to go to the bathroom and get locked in by the Old Guy, there's a sort of "vission" about an army of children carrying head crabs, and then I wake up.



So....that's my dream? It was very interesting but I don't understand my imagination anymore.

Little Bit O' Somethin

I have come to decide
that my death shall arise,
sooner than I thought.