I'm expendable anyhow

I can be easily ignored. It's all about charisma they say, how much character you give off. Appareny I don't give off that much charisma, then again I probably never have. In groups I'm the background, the voice that people hear but don't acknowledge. That means either one of two things: 1) My comments aren't worth a reply, meaning that I shouldn't talk. 2) There isn't any point in me being around people, giving the initiative that I should just die.

To never dream again... Wouldn't that be something?

I just had the worst dream to date in this sequence of nightmares. The dream was so happy and amazing, it was overall...perfect! But one can only be happy for so long before they wake up and realize that everything they just experienced, everything that just happened in that dream, was a lie.


I'd rather have a nightmare then one that gives me false hope.

Another night, another though added to the list

Every night the same emotions run through my head, it drives me insane but makes it feel soooo close to letting go. I shrug off everything I think of and fall asleep, letting my mind wander through whatever social/suicidal nightmares I'll have, only to wake up to having forgotten all about it. The same process repeats of course, but it's become more and more irritating. I think about many things, who I could've been, who I want to be, and how I could possibly change it. I tell myself, "Yeah, I'll give that a shot," only to not have the courage when the time arises. Try as my best I can't just be so outgoing that I become one who I envy, one who has many people to talk to, or is well known throught groups. I suppose popular is the best term, although just having someone to say hi to in the hallways would be gold enough... Anyhow, I wish I recognized this before it got out of hand. I'm sure it's fixable, where I could force myself to talk to someone and make friendship amends, but it's not as easy as I convince myself to be. Besides, who would want to be friends with me? Quite frankly I'm a terrible person for neglecting so many people, but I suppose I'd be even worse for taking that final step.