I'm expendable anyhow

I can be easily ignored. It's all about charisma they say, how much character you give off. Appareny I don't give off that much charisma, then again I probably never have. In groups I'm the background, the voice that people hear but don't acknowledge. That means either one of two things: 1) My comments aren't worth a reply, meaning that I shouldn't talk. 2) There isn't any point in me being around people, giving the initiative that I should just die.

To never dream again... Wouldn't that be something?

I just had the worst dream to date in this sequence of nightmares. The dream was so happy and amazing, it was overall...perfect! But one can only be happy for so long before they wake up and realize that everything they just experienced, everything that just happened in that dream, was a lie.


I'd rather have a nightmare then one that gives me false hope.

Another night, another though added to the list

Every night the same emotions run through my head, it drives me insane but makes it feel soooo close to letting go. I shrug off everything I think of and fall asleep, letting my mind wander through whatever social/suicidal nightmares I'll have, only to wake up to having forgotten all about it. The same process repeats of course, but it's become more and more irritating. I think about many things, who I could've been, who I want to be, and how I could possibly change it. I tell myself, "Yeah, I'll give that a shot," only to not have the courage when the time arises. Try as my best I can't just be so outgoing that I become one who I envy, one who has many people to talk to, or is well known throught groups. I suppose popular is the best term, although just having someone to say hi to in the hallways would be gold enough... Anyhow, I wish I recognized this before it got out of hand. I'm sure it's fixable, where I could force myself to talk to someone and make friendship amends, but it's not as easy as I convince myself to be. Besides, who would want to be friends with me? Quite frankly I'm a terrible person for neglecting so many people, but I suppose I'd be even worse for taking that final step.

Erg

Umm I'm not sure what I'm feeelllliiinnngg, basically a multitude of things, none of them
that pleasant. I've come to realize that I'm a terrible person for the next few reasons; 1) I mess with people's emotions, and try to make them feel as bad as I do, as a way to "get back at them" even though I have no reason to be getting back at them at all. 2) I'm a greedy, uncaring person. I mess with friendships so that way I can be happy, make sure people don't talk to each other so that way I don't get jealous because quite frankly, I am a very jealous person. Which leads me to believe that I'm not a good person to date, so that's what I'm
going to tell people, that I'm "unfit" to date. It'll ensure that whoever wants to date me stays happy, and possibly forgets me in the process. I always just drag people down and blame them for my own insequirities. I'm actually kind of done numbering these because it's turned more into a rant. The point is, I shouldn't date people and I'm a terrible person. I also let sooo many friendships die, then again so did the other person? But they probably did try and it was just me that let them go. Trying to gain them back would be...I don't even know. I've become a nobody, let myself be a nobody, so nothing left to do but let this nobody fade away.

Grrrrrness

From what I know there has been some discussion about my relationship with Katie and how it might possibly end. First off, one of the only reasons why I would end it would be because I don't see her at all. She may say that she is grounded which is understandable, because she has been, but I can't be with someone who I never see. The relationship was dying down due to lack of communication and contact, and whether or not she sees it that way it's how I felt. I do love her, and I don't want to bring harm to her in any way, but it's been killing me just waiting for something to happen when nothing will. If anyone thinks I should wait longer, let me remind you that I haven't been with her for a month, and I barely see her in school as it is. It really has been breaking my heart lately...and I just can't stand it. But, this is all just a MAYBE, none of it will be determined until more future events happen.


Now as for the Maya situation. Maya has been there for me day and night for the past couple of weeks, she's been helping me out with anything I need. I am OBVIOUSLY not dating her, so there is no cheating going on (I'm not that type of person, and honestly I hope everyone knows that). I just felt like some people might have heard otherwise because rumors tend to spread, so I'm trying to make everything as clear as possible, thank you.

After all, he was sad

I finally gave into the impulse to cut my hair, the haircut I had was just too symmetrical and "perfect" that I just couldn't STAND it. I didn't really know the outcome I was hoping for, all I know is that I wanted SOMETHING to change about it. I just grabbed some scissors and started cutting away, not bothering to measure or aim but just snipping off random chunks of hair. Overall I like it better but I still don't feel like it's good enough.

"My killer, my lover"

I hate waking up in the middle of the night, it's when my emotions are most active and my mind is running wild...but I've been waking up early for the past week so I'll have to get used to it...

I'd like to get a couple of things off my chest, one of them is my current relationship with Katie, it's dying. With every day that passes I feel more...resentment towards her, not because she's a bad person (she's not), but because she doesn't help in the slightest. If I'm feeling bad there's no kind words that come from her, no intention to help in a way that I would consider good, which she KNOWS how to do it. Instead every time it's the words "I'm sorry" and she gets straight to the point by being blunt. Being blunt is all good but...I need kinder words then that, I need an explanation for WHY I'm not bad looking, for WHY I'm not a horrible person, saying "You aren't, so stop it because you know you aren't" doesn't cut it. Why? Because I can't convince myself of those things, I NEED someone else to help convince me of all the good things I could possibly be. Now I just get angry at times and don't respond as much to her because I feel like she's abandoning me, not making any effort to help when she knows I need it. She doesn't even bother to ask what I did in a day, she just says hi, becomes oblvious to my obvious need of help, then leaves.

On the other hand, someone else is back in the picture...Maya. I hung out with her, and it was the first time in 3 weeks that I felt really happy. She's been helping me out as much as she could, filling in the gaps for what Katie couldn't accomplish. Now whenever I feel bad or if I wake up early my first intention is to go to Maya, and why shouldn't I? She's the only reason I'm surviving right now.